I recently ended a three week long relationship. I feel pretty good about it. I’m not really sad about not seeing the guy anymore. I’m mostly just relieved it’s over. I generally live by a three strikes you’re out rule when it comes to relationships. I only consider serious transgressions to be strikes and there’s usually a very common theme that I discover after the relationship ends. So here’s my breakup post-mortem.
- Strike One: Despite going on a date with me the night before, and being my date to the actual party, this guy assumed it was cool to have dirty rooftop sex with one of my friends on New Year’s Eve right after I left. It was a pretty huge strike one. Granted, we weren’t technically in any sort of committed situation but this is an obvious foul.
- Strike Two: About three weeks after the devastating events of New Year’s Eve, we decided to try to rebuild the trust he had completely obliterated with his actions. We both agreed that in order to do that, any kind of physical relationship would be completely out of the question for as long as it took for me to trust him again. However, he still felt it was okay to question me about why we weren’t having sex three weeks in to our relationship and using the most childish excuses ever to try to pressure me. It included the usual “trying to express how much I like you” bullshit and my favorite form of psychological bullying: asking me what was wrong with me and what I was so scared of. Because it can’t be that I just don’t want to have sex with you yet, instead my prudishness is the cause of some underlying mental issue.
- Strike Three: After strike two, I was pretty much done. Even after a long discussion where the guy apologized for his actions, swore that he didn’t need anything physical from me and insisted that he was happy with where things were, I was seriously questioning his motives. Our conversation was mostly civil and I asked him several times if he was sure he was happy with the way things are, even suggesting that we see other people temporarily or permanently since he had such an obvious problem with not having a physical relationship. But he acted insulted by what I said and said things were great. We had dinner plans a few days later and I knew that date would determine whether or not I continued the relationship. So, after the previous fight you would expect that this guy would be on his best behavior, right? That wasn’t the case at all. I guess all of the sexual frustration finally got to him and his true character was revealed. I’m not going to bore anyone with a play by play but here’s a short synopsis. He offered to buy me a drink and even though I said no several times, he grabbed the waitress and ordered me a drink I didn’t want. Forcing an alcoholic drink on me is not okay. There’s nothing wrong with me wanting to be sober. Then he insisted that we order several different things and share them, despite the fact that I don’t eat much and didn’t want to try the crab cakes he had to order. When the food arrived, he asked me to try the crab. When I said no, he offered me a piece on his fork and then proceeded to insult me by calling me childish, accusing me of insulting the chef by not eating it, and by saying that he wouldn’t talk to me until I ate it. When I asked him if he was seriously going to use that argument, he didn’t answer me and then went on to take my plate of food away from me and set his plate of crab bake there instead. Treating me like a child because I won’t do what you want is ridiculous. As an adult, I’m free to make my own choices, and disagreeing with you doesn’t make me immature or disrespectful. Instead, it shows that you don’t respect my right to make my own decisions about something as simple and unimportant as what I want to eat. At this point I got up, grabbed my coat and purse, told him I was going to find the bathroom, used said bathroom, and then walked out of the restaurant.
About an hour after I left the restaurant, I got a text where he said my actions were inappropriate and uncalled for and made some offhanded comment about how he could say a few things about my words and actions, but he wouldn’t bother. He then went on to say that he enjoyed my company and I should let him know if I ever wanted to see a movie or grab drinks sometime. Considering we were in an exclusive relationship at the time, where I asked him very often how he was feeling about the state of things and if he was happy with where things were, I found the entire text completely insulting and disrespectful. In fact, a lack of respect seemed to be the overwhelming theme of this disaster of a relationship. I replied with a single sentence that summed up that I didn’t want to see him ever again and that our relationship was over.
My bad relationships have become shorter and shorter overtime. Which means my douchebag radar has improved over the years. I’ve also gotten to a point where I’m not afraid to call someone out on their behavior. I’m not going to tiptoe around things to save a marginal relationship. If the relationship can’t hold up to honest questions and serious discussions, then I don’t want to be in it anyway. I’ve learned that even after being in truly terrible relationships, I haven’t become cynical and untrusting towards people in general. I’m still willing to give almost everyone a chance to be in my life until they give me a reason not to. It’s easy to see the worst in people. Being positive and hopeful after knowing awful examples of human beings is a battle worth fighting. The entire situation also made me realize who my true friends are. There were quite a few people in my life who avoided me and judged me for the choices I made. I even lost a friend in the process. The ones who listened to my thoughts, weighed in a bit, and then continued to support me and love me regardless truly impressed me. In particular, my heterolifemate proved to be a great source of love, support, and honest advice throughout the relationship. It’s just further proved that Jordan is my soulmate and any man that earns a permanent place in my life will have to accept coming second to her.